Getting it Right
"Relationship is an art. The dream that two people create is more difficult to master than one." -Don Miguel Ruiz
Finding “Miss, Mr. or Cis”-ter Right is not an easy mission in 2018, especially in New York City. Some meet their significant others in college or grad school, but for the rest of us there is a steep decline in meeting new people once you enter the job market. You try your hand at [messy] work romances, the happy hour scene, the “I-care-about-[insert sport here]” dive bar weekends. Once you recognize that not one person watches football for the purpose of finding a love-interest you pray to the internet gods and swipe away on some dating site or app.
Full Disclosure: I met my husband on Tinder in May of 2014. In fact, I met a multitude of guys on dating websites over the years. In between the peaks and valleys of activating and deactivating these sites I was lucky enough to meet a person I have confidently promised my future. While our marriage is no more guaranteed than anyone else’s my decision to spend the rest of my life with this specific guy was not without some serious consideration and intent.
But before all the rainbows and butterflies of married life fluttered through my window like some kind of Disney movie I enjoyed a rich dating history. Between 2000 and 2012 I was a serial monogamist, having had three long-term [read: dead end] relationships during that time. In early 2012 I decided to cut the crap and find my self worth. For about two years I committed to figuring out exactly what I wanted and needed in partner to make it work, long term, absent any murder/suicide urges. Between 2012 and 2014 I was on a personal journey. Unfortunately, it was a lot less “Eat, Pray,Love” and a lot more “Bad Teacher.” I contemplated, meditated, lived alone, got too drunk, acted too clingy and ghosted some perfectly lovely guys. The repeated incidents of crying in the back of a cab or in the subway that I was going to die alone became my nightly pathetic lullaby.
Yes, I was a hot mess express. Yes, I was creeping on thirty, mainly eating from a taco truck in front of my local CVS and sending those cringeworthy “Hey...oh, sorry wrong text” messages, but I was also using my jaded New York ways to narrow down what I wanted in a partner by figuring out what I didn’t want.
I didn’t want to leave a date and not know if I was getting a call or text. I didn’t want to wonder if another date was in order. I didn’t want to be made to feel unattractive or unintelligent. I didn’t want someone who preferred to sleep alone or who traveled a lot for work. I didn’t want another attorney or someone who works in finance. I didn’t want to settle for anything less than exactly what I deserved. When all was said and done, I managed to find myself a sweet, handsome guy from Western PA, with a passion for art and photography. A guy with a pizza tattoo, who had never eaten a black and white cookie. He was my polar opposite, yet we were somehow simpatico. I knew.
I knew because he never kept me waiting by text. He made plans and he stuck to them. He brought something to the table that I could not. He praised my work and I praised his. He made me feel beautiful and smart and appreciated. In fact, he has never done a thing to make me ever doubt his intentions when it came to me. When I met the one I knew.
And when I met all of the others I should have know too. I shouldn’t have tolerated being put down because of someone else’s insecurity. I shouldn’t have acquiesced when I was asked to change the way I spoke or dressed. I shouldn’t have dumbed myself down. I shouldn’t have learned Hebrew and kept Kosher. I shouldn’t have put up with crazy family members for people who did not engage similarly with my own family. I should not have given myself fully to someone who would not give themselves fully to me.
Who you choose as your life partner will affect the remainder of your life - whether you will have children, who will be the primary caretaker, who will be the primary earner, where will you live. The list goes on. Be smart, strategic and patient in finding the person that’s right for you. Remember, if you wouldn’t go into business with the person you should probably not marry them (and NY laws reflect that).